Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Planning For New Years Eve

New Years Eve is fast approaching. The one night of the year we have massive expectations about. It is also the night where those expectations will fall flat. Lets face it, New Years is always a let down. It never lives up to the hype and things never go right.

I decided that this year, rather than making grandiose plans that are bound to end in tragedy, I would look at what has gone wrong in the past. By making a list of things not to do this time around there is a much better chance of a great night.

This New Years Eve I will not:
- Spend a hour and a half chatting up a brunette, only to realise that she was not born a woman, much to my mates amusment.
- Relieve myself in a handy bush, only to realise that it is a potplant in front of a busy restaurant.
- Have a running race with the police after the aforementioned potplant incident.
- Spend the countdown hiding behind a brick wall in someones front garden after winning aforementioned running race.
- Start drinking heavily at midday, only to pass out out 11:30pm and miss the countdown.
- Drunkenly think I am skateboarding legend Tony Alva and spend New Years in the emergency room.
- Prank text my ex at 3 am.
- Go to a rodeo wearing a hawaiian shirt.
- Drive around the city while sober, drinking out of beer bottles that have been washed and filled with Coca Cola to stir up the police. (The police didn't find this very funny)
- On the way to a party, come across an area where the police have blocked the road and are breathalysing everyone, then going through it 17 times. (The police didn't find this funny either. They really have no sense of humour.)
- Put washing powder in the city's fountain. Then stand around watching it and get caught.
- Wake up in an unknown park with a massive hangover, no money or phone and wearing someone elses clothes.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Proof Aussies Are Crazy

This is undeniable proof that us Aussies are completely crazy. Yes that is a skateboard powered by a 630hp V8 Supercar engine. Built to honour skateboarding legend Tony Hawk who came Down Under this month.

Did he ride it ? Well I wasn't there, however the press releases state that he did. The strange thing is that there is no video of it. The only photos are obviously staged, he is not even holding the throttle controls. Seems that he may not be as bad ass as he claims.

All I can really say for certain is that I would love to take it for a spin. Friends who have seen the video want to jump on it too. Guess that tells you a lot about the Aussie male. We are all mad.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Devil Invented Gift Baskets

Gift baskets are the single most dangerous thing known to man. We delude ourselves that they are a great idea even though they clearly are not.

Lets start at the beginning. You are at the shops and can’t decide what presents to get people. That state of mild panic allows the devil to step in and place the sinuous idea of a gift basket in your mind. Seduced by his calming voice you instantly think it is a great idea.

STOP. Think. It does not take a genius to figure out that tracking down, deciding on and purchasing multiple items is going to take a lot longer and cost more than buying one gift. That is money you could spend on beer and time that could be much better spent lying on the couch watching tv while drinking that beer.

The hideousness of the situation does not end there however. It goes much deeper. When you get the mountain of bits and pieces home you then have to put it all together. How do arrange all those things in the basket without it looking like a broken tetris game or a Baghdad back street ?

Have you completed your bachelors degree in soap, chocolate and wine basket arrangement ? If not you are in a world of trouble. How do you wrap such a beast ? Nice paper or gaudy cellophane? Where does the bow go ? Do you need more than one bow ?

It gets worse. Oh yes my friends, it gets much worse. Who are you giving it too ?

The most important thing to remember is to never give a gift basket to a couple. That is the devils plan. It takes exactly 2 minutes and 13 seconds before the arguments start over who gets what. Suddenly your beautiful gift basket has erupted into a domestic argument. The next 7 hours are spent in deep discussion on the value of herbal tea bags verses a cute teddy bear. Most divorces are the result of an ill concieved gift basket.

These so called gifts are slowly but surely breaking down our well structured society. If allowed to continue it will end in Armageddon.

The next world war will not be over oil, land, weapons of mass destruction or any other piddling matters. It will start as an argument over who gets the choc mint biscuits from the gorgeous wicker basket.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Glass Is Our Legacy

Glass is the toughest man made substance. That is a pretty big statement considering we all know how easily it breaks, so give me a chance to explain.

When you break glass it is still glass. You can crush it to a fine powder, heat it up or freeze it. It remains glass. Metal however rusts, and in that process changes from iron into ferrous oxide. It becomes something else. Same with wood, it rots. Bricks break down back into their original parts. Glass however will always be glass.

Now look around. Glass is everywhere, in many different forms. There are different colours as well as different grades of glass. You can find it nearly everywhere on this planet in some form. Go into the wilderness and there will be some in the form of rubbish. It lays on ocean floors covered with corals. It has even made its way to Antartica.

Imagine in a billion years from now. Humankind has long since died out. An alien race lands on Earth. All our buildings and monuments have long since crumbled to dust. Glass however is still around. It will show them that an advanced civilization once lived here and that it spread all over the globe.

Glass is our legacy. It is here forever. Something to think about next time you are relaxing with a bottle of wine or beer.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Silly Season Secret Society Shopping

I don’t know why but every year I leave my christmas shopping until the last minute. This year was no exception. Finishing work early today meant that I had time to go on the annual gift hunt. After parking 27 suburbs away from my destination I started on the long and arduous trek to the hallowed sliding glass doors that lead to shopping hell.

Entering through these doors is like entering into another world. The icy blast of the airconditioned wind chills you to the bone. Long hair and loose bits of ill concieved fashions ripple in the breeze like a living jungle. Unfortunately you are not allowed to hack your way through with a machete Indiana Jones style. All you can do is brace yourself and force a path between the sweating bodies.

A myriad of scents from thousands of deodorants and perfumes assail your nostrils. Midget ninjas disguised as children try to attack your crotch with sharp weapons disguised as toys. The noise from so many people is a deafining bass hum, thankfully drowning out the banality of xmas music. Even more disturbing is the chance of an attack from a hair monster. They live in old peoples noses and wait for a new host to get near so they can transfer, splitting amoeba style to create a new creature.

Claustrophobic panic starts to settle in as you realise that you have no idea what to get anyone. Now at this point you should blindly grab a product and then figure out who to give it to, however being flustered you end up thinking back to front. Mum - a tin of 2 stroke oil. Nephew - pink frilly nighty. The craziness just keeps going on.

Then disaster. The announcement of a special is made over the loudspeaker. Sweaty female faces turn upwards as one, as if hearing God. Males start climbing shelves and stacks of chocolate baskets to reach high ground as the females heads turn to and fro trying to sniff out the bargain. Thousands of overweight bums quiver in anticipation. Then the stampede starts.

Anyone still left in the isles gets trampled under countless bovine sneakers and pointy heels. This is survival of the fittest at work. I see a friend named Matt go down not far from me. After it was over I did the only thing I could think of for him. I wrote welcome in large black letters on his chest.

In the eerie silence that is the aftermath I had a revelation. There were no beautiful people here. You know the type. Perfect bodies. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. They always have the perfect gift.

Where on earth do these people shop ? Is there some secret society shopping mecca that only they know about ? I can imagine them laying down being fed grapes by a sales assistant as Oompa Loompas dance around showing them the perfect gifts for Uncle Frank, cousin Myrtle and everyone else.

Can someone please tell me where this place is so next year I can go there at the last minute to blindly grab gifts ?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Non Wavers Sh#t Me

With one of my jobs I spend quite a bit of time on the road. Now I like to think of myself as quite a courteous driver. I am one of those people that will leave a gap so others can get in. I know there is nothing worse than being stuck in a driveway for 20 minutes waiting for a break in the traffic.

However there is one thing that really gets my blood pumping, the non waver. I am not sure of the protocol in other countries but here in Australia it is considered common courtesy to wave when someone lets you in. Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about throwing both hands in the air and trying to start a Mexican wave with the other drivers. You don't even need to take a hand off of the steering wheel. Just raise your fingers up and give a bit of a nod in appreciation.

For some reason the courtesy wave is happening less and less. Quite frankly I have had enough. In the new year I will no longer be letting people in. I can be a jerk on the road too. To quote Eminem
"With his windows down and his system up
Screaming "I don't give a f@#k!"

Heck I will probally have one finger up as well.

Welcome to the New Years road rage. Stay out of my way.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Art Of Inspiration

There is a question that I seem to get asked quite a lot that I really hate. The question is where do you get your inspiration / ideas from ? I internally shudder everytime, for two reasons.

Firstly, inspiration is a fickle and random beast. There is no one source. It is everywhere, everything and at times, nowhere at all. People expect a nice easy answer as to where and there just isn't one.

The second reason is that my artworks are based around really simple ideas. Artists tend to have these long winded explanations about themes and meanings. I am not in that catergory.

Take the image at the top of this post for example. I was watching a tv show that said a city was like a living organism, ever growing and changing. I really liked that sentiment and set out to put the idea of a living city into the form of an image. Thats it. I also titled it, not very imaginatively, Living City.

Another example is my Gizmo Ipad case design. That came about from a conversation with a friend. After mentioning that zazzle was now offering custom Ipad and Iphone cases, he asked "what is an Ipad for anyway ?" After much discussion we decided that neither of us knew just what it was actually for. His closing comment was "Guess it is just another gizmo" That cracked me up, so I decided to do a design around that sentence.

There really is nothing special or magical about it. Some things come along that I think are great ideas, so I work on them. I actually wrote a squidoo lens about this topic a while back. Examining Inspiration If you want to know more feel free to check it out.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Who Needs Talent Anyway ?

Once upon a time, you needed talent to become a star. Movie stars had it, so did singers and artists. Heck you needed talent to even get on tv or a magazine.

However with the age of the internet anyone can be a star, talent not required. People are famous just for being famous. What the heck does Paris Hilton do anyway ? Take a look at this video and make sure you watch it all the way through.

This dorky 15 year old kid is in his messy bedroom lip synching, very badly, in front of his webcam that his mommy probably bought for him. Then pow ! In walks multi platinum artist 50cent.

WTF ? If you bother to go to this kids channel, he has done heaps of these stupid vids. What is truly bizarre is the fact that people like them. Some of them have over 20 million hits. He has become a star. No talent and not even an original idea.

Un-freakin-believable. Seriously with those sort of numbers you could put up affiliate links to anything and make money. On top of that he can launch a career in showbiz. If he is not a millionarre and set for life within a year he is dumber than he looks.

So the only conclusion is that to make money on the internet you need absolutley no talent or original ideas. Well I am going to jump on this bandwagon. How about a video of me bashing my head against the keyboard repeatedly while humming the theme from mission impossible. No, that is too unique, people will think it is performance art.

Maybe dress up like a bottle and spin around until I throw up. Ahhh stuff it. I am going to get a beer. I just can't dumb myself down that much.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Zazzle Funfair

Roll up. Roll up. Welcome to the Zazzle Funfair. Plenty to do for everyone. Admission is free.

Ride the sales rollercoaster. Listen to the clack clackety sound ,like coins dropping in a slot, as you head seemingly ever upwards, only to be plunged in a screaming downwards spiral, back to pennyless.

Take a walk down the sideshow alley marketplace where good designs and artworks are hidden amongst the tonnes of cheap crap and louis vitton knock offs.

Join the promotion horror train. Don’t worry, no one will hear you scream because no one is listening. Those people sitting in the train with you are screaming to get heard as well.

Hang out with the crowds in the forum common ground, until bullies beat you up and take your lunch money.

Have a go at the product merry go round that never stops. Get dizzy making products until the site goes down for maintennance, then you can cower in the corner with the shakes until it comes back online and you can feed your addiction again.

It’s fun for the whole family so come on in and join the POD machine. You don’t really need a life do you ?
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