Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011 Bye Bye

As the year draws to a close all I can say is thank goodness for that. Bye bye 2011 and good riddance.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Sleeping With The Addict

What do you do when you realise that the person you are seeing is an addict ? That is exactly the question I am faced with right now. I could handle someone addicted to drugs or alcohol and a sex addict actually sounds like a dream come true. This is much, much worse. She is addicted to cooking shows. The type where some pompous idiot shows you how easy it is to whip up a fantastic meal in just 30 mins using ingredients you have never heard of and equipment you don’t own.

For someone like me that believes grilled cheese is high cuisine, a dish made from crocodile scales, pixie tears, grass clippings, crushed moon rock and toe jam just doesn’t sound appetising. In fact the only celebrity chef I ever liked was the Swedish one on the Muppets when I was a child.

Looking through her pantry there are enough jars of herbs and spices to sink a battleship. Sadly most of them have hardly been used. When I asked if the crushed cockroach legs were good on steak she got angry. I was told that they were expensive and not to be wasted, in fact they were bought specifically for one recipe. Trying to be supportive (and get myself out of trouble) I said that sounded delicious and suggested that we make it that so I could try it. She answered that when she tried it it didn’t work out properly so she wasn’t going to make it for me.

I just don’t know how to handle this situation. The wild mood swings, the bizarre smells, not able to go out because missing an episode would bring on the apocalypse. How many more males out there are suffering right now because their partners are cooking show addicts ? There are no support groups, no hotlines to call, no rehab centers.

The only thing to do is to break up with her.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Future Mystery

With the current global financial crisis and threats from the Mayans about 2012 a lot of people are asking just what we are in for. Luckily there are psychic visionaries in this world that have already seen the future. One of these people tried telling us back in the seventies. Unfortunately no one would believe him. In a stroke of genius he put the information out there as a cartoon to ready our generation.

As children Scooby Doo started to show us what our future would be like. Mansions, castles, amusement parks, mines, mills and all manner of places that take money to run have been abandoned. No matter where you go everywhere is a bit spooky, like the whole world has turned into a bad neighbourhood. Not even your holiday destinations are safe.

No matter how good your skills are they will not guarantee you employment. In fact you better start practice making masks, costumes, elaborate pulley systems, sound and lighting tricks just to scare other people away from the basement you are squatting in. Yes you are going to be fighting for a roof over you head with lawyers, artists, shipwrights, doctors, magicians and all manner of professional people that already have some of these skills.

Food is going to be scarce. Really scarce. Any chance to steal food should be taken, even if it means fighting monsters, ghosts, zombies or vampires. Eat as much as you can while you have the chance.

So how do you survive this bleak future ? Well it seems that a nomadic existence is the way to go. Preferably in a group situation. There is always safety in numbers. Now you may think that a van would be the perfect vehicle to get around in our apocalyptic future, but I think motorbikes would be better. In fact I believe that we should band together in a similar manner to outlaw motorcycle clubs. Desperate people are much less likely to attack a group of unwashed bikers than some kids in a hippy Kombi.

If you are ready to accept your leather wearing, gun toting, Harley riding future let me know by giving my tshirt design a vote at qwertee. Just click on the picture to get there.

P.S. - Did you see what I did there - a whole post about Scooby Doo without a single drug joke.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Standoutlouds Cat

Once upon a time scientists made great discoveries and inventions. These are the people of history that we all look up to. Their names live on as true geniuses. Einstien, Curie, Newton, Tesla, Galileo, Darwin, Edison etc.

The scientists of today just give me the shits. It seems every week I hear about some new study that proves something we all already knew, usually at a cost of millions to us tax payers.

What exactly is the problem, has everything been discovered and invented already? What a load of pish. Now I am no scientific genius but even I can do better than that. I believe that my experiments deserve just as much funding as all those hacks out there. Take this brilliance of mine for example.

Firstly take a cat and tape magnets to its side. Then tape a buttered piece of toast to its back. Now push it off the table. We will see the effect of two scientific laws at work. Namely “cats always land on their feet” and “toast will always land butter side down”. These two scientific laws will act against each other forcing the cat/toast combo to spin continuously in mid air.

Just place a coils of copper wire wrapped around an iron core around this spinning mass. The spinning magnets and the wire will produce alternating current electricity, much like the alternator in your car. This will single handedly solve the worlds power and air pollution problems. No more reliance on fossil fuels.

Now I just need to create a breed of cats that don’t need feeding or suffer from nausea. I think 20 million dollars in government funding should cover it.

Forget Schrodingers cat, welcome to the world of Standoutlouds cat.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Welcome To The Jungle

I will be the first to admit that I am not a keen gardener. What makes it worse is living in suburban Australia. You see until fairly recently a standard block of land here was a quarter acre. When you have an average 3 bedroom house stuck in the middle of that you are left with a whole lot of garden to take care of. The truth is I don’t take care of it.

There are a few reasons for this. I have been working 6 days a week at my job plus trying to be a graphic artist / designer online. That really leaves little time for anything else. Also I am a world renowned, first class procrastinator. Any excuse is a good excuse. As a result over winter my garden went from unkempt (I like to refer to this look as shabby chic) to a meadow and finally a wilderness that could be hiding anything.

So I made a pact with myself that I would spend today gardening. So after waking up, having a shower, breakfast, checking my emails, facebook, online store and screwing around on twitter I pulled myself into action and approached the back door.

I have one of those glass slidey back doors that let you see just what you are in for. Looking at the backyard I was expecting to see Indiana Jones leap out while being chased by a family of tigers. It was not a good feeling. I braced myself and whoosh - the glass door slid aside for the first time in months. Unnaturally fresh air rushed into my man cave, dispelling the lingering funky smell. So far so good. I grabbed the flyscreen and ........... nothing. It seems the gazillion ants that live in my garden had excavated 10 tonnes of sand that the rains had then washed against the door. Grass had then grown in that sand rendering the door immobile.

After fighting with it for a while I had to go all MacGyver on it with a screwdriver. Lifting it up on its tracks and giving it a fantastic Chuck Norris kick it went sailing out onto the paving. It was alright though. All the weeds cushioned its fall. The door wasn’t damaged at all.

Grabbing a rubbish bag I attacked. Pulling out with weeds with great gusto unearthed the ecosystem at my back door. David Attenborough would have loved it. Angry ants, colourful caterpillars, milling millipedes, spiders and a frog. The frog just sat there staring at me. I named him Fernando and told him to hop along. He didn’t. I think he was trying to guilt trip me into stopping with his hypno stare, but it wasn’t going to work.

Like an archaeological dig the area of pavers came into sight. I should of been feeling pretty good but Fernando was still staring at me. I thought I would give him a piece of his own medicine and started a staring competition. Even though I cheated, he clearly won. He is that good. Stepping things up a notch I went and got my camera. Flash flash flash. He didn’t even blink. Not sure if I have a retarded frog or if he is a paparazzi whore. No wait, they are the same thing.

Eventually the bin was totally full so I took that as proof that I had done enough gardening for this week. (plus Fernando was freaking me out) Let me tell you, those 2 square meters of paving outside look great. At this frenetic pace I should have the whole garden done by 2247.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Hair Conundrum

I have been thinking a lot about hair recently. That is a strange way to open my first blog post in some time I know, but bear with me.

As a whole, we love hair. It gets washed, primped and pampered every day. We run our fingers through it and love the smell of our partners hair. Vain people spend every minute looking into reflective surfaces to check that it is still in place. Balding men are secretly jealous of all those with a full head of it. Heck we even wrote a musical about it.

We spend billions of dollars every year on hair cuts and products to make our hair look the best it can be. We judge others by their hair and are equally judged in return.

There is a big but in all this though. As soon as that hair is no longer connected to a human body it instantly becomes the most reviled, disgusting thing in the entire known universe.

I cannot figure out how this happens. Does the strand of hair change at a molecular level to such an extent that it instantly renders food completely inedible upon contact? Will soap cause your skin to melt off once a stray hair has stuck on there?

We need a government funded study to figure all this out. I need to know what is happening and if I will implode if I try to unblock the drain in the bathroom.

It seems that our hair is the original love hate relationship.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Fear And Loathing In Art Class

This may come as a surprise considering what I am doing with my life these days but I hated art class at school. So much so that at age 14, when you get to choose your subjects, art was immediately crossed off the list. I spent my time doing woodwork, metalwork, mechanical workshops and various other classes instead.

Art at school, for me, completely missed the point. It should be about creativity, exploration and self expression. Instead it was do this and do it this way, exactly the same as everyone else is doing it. Days of boring history lectures about the lives of dead artists. Craft projects I had no interest in whatsoever. I just wanted to draw what I wanted to draw. Not carve a given pattern into a piece of lino or make a pot out of clay. The end result was a loathing for art teachers.

I bring this up because of a recent incident. My 12 year old nephew was talking about art at school the other day. They had been learning about Van Gogh. (Yep I remember nearly falling asleep during that) Nephew wasn’t too interested in him either. However the teacher had asked the students if there was an artist that they would like to talk about, so he came to me. After some discussion and looking at pictures online, Salvidor Dali’s surreal artworks got the nod.

In my mind this was a good choice. At worst the kids would have some thought provoking images to look at. Yet it should be so much more than that. There is so many things a teacher could do with that material, from discussions of meaning, creative writing, what do you find surreal, paint a surreal picture - the list goes on.

I was not expecting what actually happened though. When nephew brought up Dali, the art teacher had never heard of him. This is a person that went through 12 years of school, then another 4 of university, specialising in art. I was flabbergasted. In fact it was such a surreal experience that I thought it was a joke at first. Sadly it wasn't.

My loathing of art teachers has hit an all time high.

Monday, June 20, 2011

10 Fresh New Ways To Promote Your Business

As technology progresses people progress along with it. The same applies to forms of advertising. If you are struggling to promote your business, especially an online one, you know just how hard it is to get noticed and get yourself some customers.

There is a condition that I have termed advertising blindness. We are so constantly bombarded with ads that we subconsciously block them out. So the question is, just how do you get your advertising noticed ?

I have come up with 10 fresh new ways to advertise your business. These are all offline ideas and budget conscious.

* Flyer Dogging - This one involves some stealth. You sneak up on a blind person out walking with their guide dog. Tape a flyer to each side of the dog. They will walk around unaware that they are promoting your business. The best part is they tend to walk slowly so other pedestrians have a good chance to see your brilliant advertising. Don’t worry, the owner won’t know it is there.

*Boomgating - Getting the attention of motorists without causing an accident can be very tricky. That is where boomgating comes in. You tape a banner to a boomgate. The motorist is stuck there with your ad right in front of them. Works especially well at train crossings and other places where motorists are stuck for some time.

*The Running Man - So you have a tshirt with your company info on it, yet no one pays it any attention. Time to do the running man. Go into the city and walk into a shop, turn around and run. Thinking you have stolen something everyone will be looking at you, guaranteed. The more astute among them will memorise what is written on your tee.

*Fake Celebrity - For this one you or one of your friends need to resemble a celebrity. People will talk about it if they think the Mythbusters are at the local laundromat to see if (insert your product) explodes in a washing machine or Gail is buying a heap of boxes to hold all the (insert your product) Oprah is going to give away on her next show.

*Subliminal Religion - You need to be an atheist for this one. Approach your local churches and offer to print out the services for them. You then add some subliminal messages into the readings or hymns. “And God said unto Moses, Thou needest to stand out loud, Yay much like a good photo manipulation.”

*Paper Round - This one is great for more reason than one. It gets you away from your computer for awhile, some much needed exercise and you get paid for it. All you have to do is get a paper round. You insert one of your flyers into each paper before you deliver it. It is that simple.

*The Argument - Get one of your friends and head out to a cafe, pub or similar. Then start a heated debate about which is better - your brand or a well known brand. No one else around will have heard of your brand but they will have heard of the well known one. Make sure you mention that your brand is cheaper. They are bound to google it.

*Vantastic - We have all been stuck behind a caravan on a long trip. By hanging around the right service station you can tape a banner to the back of a lot of these monstrosities. Now all the lucky motorists will have something to look at as the traffic builds up. This tactic also works for long haul trucks.

*Photo Bombing - This is where you get yourself in the background of someones photo. Make sure that your promotional tshirt can be easily seen. The best places for this are weddings. Those shots will be around for ever, sitting on a mantlepiece and if you are really good they might even turn up on a photo bombing site. Double win.

*What The Doctor Ordered - For this one you need to print out some nice, glossy, full page ads. Now go steal your Nans month old Womens Weekly and New Idea magazines. Flick through each one and find an ad space opposite an engaging story in each one. Carefully glue your ad in on top of the original. Once the glue is dry you can drop them off at the waiting rooms of doctors, dentists etc. They will be there for years.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Zazzle Prostitution

Why zazzling is like prostitution

You tend to work mainly at night

You are rewarded for fulfilling a customers dreams

When people ask you about your job you have trouble explaining it

The customer pays a lot of money but the employer keeps most of it

Friendships fall apart and you end up only talking to people in the same profession

You have to do untastefull things to get customers

Friday, May 27, 2011

Solving Global Problems

I must apologise to my readers as it has been some time since my last blog post. The reason for this is that I have been thinking of ways to solve all the worlds problems. After careful deliberation I believe that it all begins with war.

It seems that all the wars these days are in hot, arid, desert countries. Not really surprising, I get cranky in the heat too. So the first thing we need to do is replace all the guns with water pistols. Everybody has fun in a water fight when it is hot.

Imagine all the soldiers running around squirting each other, throwing water balloon grenades. Planes and helicopters flying overhead waterbombing everyone like they do to forrest fires. We could have the best fun at World War Three. Everyone would want to go. Nobody gets killed and everyone goes home smiling.

However there are other advantages to this. All that water would turn what is now a desert into a water filled, muddy oasis. The poor people of that country would have lots of land to grow crops to feed themselves and boost their economy. A perfect solution for a struggling third world country.

The second world countries don’t miss out either. They are our number one producers of plastic toys. The demand for water weapons would boost their economy as well.

Now I know there are going to be some die hards that maintain that it just isn’t war without pain and suffering. Well just for you we can have wars at the arctic and antarctic. All the water would freeze replenishing the melting polar ice caps.

This is such a genius solution to a whole plethora of problems that I would not be surprised to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. (hint hint)

Friday, April 29, 2011

Money For Nothing

I was in a band once. On a cold winters day Ben, Anthony, Hughie and myself formed Chocolate Sneeze. (named after an unfortunate incident involving a block of Cadbury Dairy Milk and a dose of the flu)

Our studio was Bens games room, because it had space we could use undisturbed and a record player. Hughie played a cricket bat, Anthony had an assortment of empty plant pots and chopsticks for drums, I ripped it up on lead tennis racket and Ben (being the oldest at 11 and it was his house) had the other tennis racket and lead vocals.

With our favourite records turned up to the point were the speakers distorted we thrashed it out in a cacophony of high pitched childish voices and plant pot banging. We were rock n roll gods. This was in the days when Mtv actually played music videos. We were going to be mega stars. We were going to get our money for nothing and our chicks for free.

Like most bands things didn’t work out. After 4 hours of music stardom we ended up splitting due to artistic differences. We argued over Def Leppard vs Motley Crue as an opener for at least 10 minutes. Also it was time to go home for dinner.

It may be a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll but it is a quick ride back down the hill on your bmx. I flew down at breakneck speed as the last of the suns glow faded from the sky. The cold air pierced my flesh and whipped my hair as my tyres fountained up rooster tails of cold water behind me. I had an idiotic grin on my face and something else I can never have again - The innocence of youth.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Psychotic Bunny

It is that time of the year when all the neighbourhood kids are climbing the walls late at night, unable to sleep because of a chocolate induced sugar buzz. Yes Easter is here. A time to get together to celebrate a guy that died over 2000 years ago by eating the sweet, foil wrapped droppings of a giant rabbit.

I have been spending some time trying to figure out just what all this Easter Bunny stuff is about. I now have a theory.

Firstly lets compare this rabbit to his nearest contemporary - Santa Claus. Santa is married and surrounds himself with little slaves called elves. He keeps himself busy most of the year making toys, checking lists, caring for reindeer and such. He is jolly and will always speak to everyone when he is in town.

The Easter Bunny by comparison could be best described as a quiet loner. The kind of person the neighbours claim never made any trouble until he tortured and killed 63 postmen.

I can only assume this rabbit spends most of his time raping kidnapped chickens in his basement to get all those eggs. He then hides these eggs everywhere to lure children away from their parents. He won’t take the children though. Oh no, he is much too cunning for that. He just likes too watch from the bushes.

I believe the master plan is to kill off the human race via cholesterol overdoses and diabetes. Then and only then will the rabbits truly own the Earth.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Weight Loss The Mad Aussie Way

In the last few years my six pack has slowly faded away and I now have the makings of a gut. For ages I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I eat a balanced diet of all the major junk food groups. Consume plenty of liquids, most of it on the rocks. I even exercise regulary, those snacks won’t get themselves out of the pantry you know.

Then today while in the shower I realised what is causing it. My shampoo. Reading the back of the label it promises a ‘natural beauty and full body’. When I shampoo my hair I rub the excess on my belly! A natural beauty and full body might be fine for Buddah but I don’t want to look like that.

All is not lost however. I found the solution in my kitchen. The dishwashing liquid states that it will 'blast away fat and grease fast’. Perfect, I just have to slather my stomach with this and my washboard stomach will be back.

Time to go get another scotch and a plate of nachos.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The End Is Nigh

I am sitting here writing this blog post with black paint under my fingernails and bright after images floating across my vision. It is all the Mayans fault. Thousands of years ago these mathematical geniuses calculated when the world would end. They made a mistake though. We have been sitting around thinking that it wouldn’t happen until next year then BAM. Earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tsunamis, wars and that is just the big stuff. We have only just started the fourth month of this year.

To make matters worse, on tv late the other night an evangelist told me that not only was the end nigh, but I had to make sure my house was in order. I am not actually sure why, maybe you need a clean house to get into Heaven or something. So I spent the weekend tidying, polishing and washing.

Of course cleaning isn’t the whole story. I had to make sure everything actually worked. That meant I had to buy light globes. This is something that I have been putting off for quite some time. There are so many blown in my house that you need to wear armor at night to move around for fear of broken bones. The new light globes scare me. However God had told me I must fix it so I went to the hardware store.

Sweat started pouring from my pores when confronted by a wall of globes the size of Charlie Sheens ego. There are so many types. Strange swirly shapes, circles, long loops, the list is endless. What happened to plain ordinary light globes ? Why protect the world when it is about to end ?

Not being able to decide on a style I concluded that a variety would be a good idea. Next problem, I had 40 to 75 watt globes before. There are 2 and 5 watt ones now. What the heck does that mean ? I needed 8 globes. I purchased 157.

Americans have gazillions of movies concerning the end of the world that you can use as handy how to guides. Looking through my dvd’s it seems Australia has 3. Mad Max, one, two and three. (note for my American readers, Mad Max 2 was called The Road Warrior there) Yes these movies are quite dated now but it is all I had to work with. So while I was at the hardware store I also purchased flat black paint to cover up the bright blue on my Mitsubishi Lancer. I tried to find some black leather pants and jacket as well. They didn't have any so I got a pallet of chamois and a drum of black dye and will make my own.

Figuring the lamp next to my couch would be the easiest globe to replace I bravely tackled that one first. No matter which new globe I tried part of it protruded above the shade, looking quite obscene. Now according to the packaging the globe I finally settled on emits a ‘Cool Sunshine’ glow. Flicking the switch revealed something more akin to a lightsaber. Blinded I staggered away into the comforting darkness. Not having donned my armor first I soon managed to stub all my toes and bark both shins before falling over the pallet of chamois and knocking myself temporarily unconscious.

So now you know why I am writing this with black paint under my fingernails as well as being partly blinded. Damn Mayans. My car does look pretty cool though.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Little Green Men Day

Usually if you admitted to anyone that you had seen little green men you would become an object of ridicule, if not institutionalized. There is one day each year where that is not the case though. Yes it is St Patricks day yet again. The only day of the year where admitting that you have seen them will be met with joyous, drunken shouts of ‘Leprechaun’.

The whole point of this holiday, as far as I can figure out, is to get so wasted that you do see little green men. You go out to a pub and drink as much beer (that seems to have the consistancy of mud and a taste to match) as you possibly can.

Each venue will have a dodgy band murdering well know songs. This is known as shamrock. Everybody dances the uncoordinated drunken dance, with arms around each other defying the law of gravity and holding each other up.

By the time you roll out of the pub you are hungry, and throwing reason out the door you get yourself a St Patricks kebab. That is the one with the fuzzy green meat. Following that you will find a nice piece of green grass to pass out on. For some reason the grass is now the same color as your face.

The one thing you need for tonight is a good Irish joke. Memorise this one if you don’t already have one.

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

Happy St Patricks day everyone - You will see little green men tonight - to be sure, to be sure.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Love Is Rocky Road

Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. That is doubly true for love. You reach in hoping for a gooey center, yet usually end up with rocky road.

As children we are brought up with fairy tales of love at first sight and happily ever after. Being a bachelor at the age of 33, let me tell you those delusions are just not true.

There are so many stories I could tell you about my doomed love life, but I think this one will illustrate my point the best. The names in the following story have been changed to protect the guilty.

I met Olivia at the pub one night and we sort of hit it off. After a few weeks we got to know each other fairly well. One night, being Mr Suave, I convinced her to come back to my house. In reality it didn’t take much convincing.

To cut a long story short a while later we were in my bedroom, trying to get undressed with hands all over each other. Just before commencing the deed, I blindly reached behind me to get a condom out of the drawer.

A few seconds into it she asked me “Is it centered ?” To which I replied “what ?”

“Centered. Is it centered ?” This is not something any male wants to hear at a time like that. I stared dumbly down at where our crotches met, wondering how she could not even feel it. She started tapping her nose and repeating “Centered. Centered”

Just as I realised that she was saying scented, not centered, she started flailing around and yelling at me to get off. It turns out that, unkown to me, Olivia had an alergy to citrus. Unknown to us both I had grabbed a orange flavoured condom.

There was blood on the bed. By the time I worked out it was from a split lip Olivia had given me trying to get me off, she had curled in the foetal position moaning “it burns, it burns.” From the look on her face I would not have been surprised to see flames shoot out from between her legs.

I got her into the shower to try and wash it away and pulled out the few creams I had that might help. I then went into the laundry to clean up my lip.

After a long time she came out of the bathroom and shot me a look part pain, part anger and part stupefication. She looked so much like Mr Bean at that moment I got the giggles. I couldn’t help it. Luckily laughter is contagious or I would not have any testicles now.

Apparently I looked funny also, sitting there holding a pack frozen chicken breasts to my face.

Needless to say that relationship did not last very long. The only way I can describe it is skittish, even when she bought her own condoms along.

So yes, I am 33 and still single. I am not waiting for my soul mate or any such rubbish. I just have not had a lot of luck when it comes to love. I have had a lot of fun though, and have a collection of stories to match.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

How The Internet Started

I had this emailed to me and had to share. This is better than the DaVinci Code. Not sure who the original author is.

This is a true story. Would I tell a you lie?
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had often been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband:
"Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?" And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abrahams business. But he was discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dots idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

And that is how it all began.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Beer Me Up Scotty

Australians are renouned for a few things. Some of those include being tough as nails, a little bit crazy and drinking a lot. Most of it comes back to the weather. As I write this post it is 10 o'clock at night and 32 degrees. (90 fahrenheit)

I am drinking, have been for a while now. At this point I have just finished my 23rd Jack Daniels. You see being poor I don't have airconditioning. I am not drinking for pleasure or to drown sorrows. It is drinking so you can pass out and get some sleep before you have to get up and go to work.

I am not sure if you have ever tried to work after not sleeping, but it is not fun. You seem to be in a daze and the world slides past you. The longer you go without sleep the worse it is. Close to an out of body experience. Working with a hangover is not great but it is better than lack of sleep. When in that position you choose the lesser of two evils.

The problem with any drug is the more you have the more you need. At this point I hardly have a buzz. Passing out is a long way off yet. Heck I can even write coherent blog posts using large words like coherent.

According to world standards I am an alcoholic. All my friends are for that matter. By Australian standards we are all normal. It is just the way things are here. If you can't drink a bottle of scotch or carton of beer and still talk straight you are just not considered a true Aussie.

If you have ever wondered why we talk slowly and act bizarrely, the truth is we are generally spaced out to some degree.

Drinking stupid amounts is a tradition. It is also one that is slowly but surely disappearing as airconditioning becomes more prevalent in society. This leads me to wonder where we are heading as a nation. What will we become when we no longer consume vast amounts of booze and are no longer crazy ?

With the amount of American influence here, in music, tv, fast food and all the rest, are we doomed to become a USA clone ? No offence to my international readers but I sincerely hope not.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Moral Opposites For World Peace

General friendship follows and conforms to social and moral rules. True friendship flips those rules right around. It sounds strange I know, so allow me to explain.

If you are walking along, slip in a wet patch and land hard on your bum, a friend will immediately ask if you are all right and help you up. A true friend wont be able to ask because they are too busy laughing like a loon.

While visiting your house a friend will engage in polite conversation while you act as a good host, getting them drinks and making sure they are comfortable. A true friend will wander in, help themselves to whatever they want out of your fridge while complaining about their day at work. They may also fall asleep on your couch and start snoring loudly.

I bring this up because last night at the pub my best friend and myself were accussed of being neanderthals. My friend was talking to some old accquantainces. I walked up, looked at him and said - yeah. He replied - yeah, and I wandered off, returning a few minutes later with a beer for each of us.

Those two words were an entire conversation between us that went like this. “I am ready for another beer. It is my turn to buy. Would you like another one ?” (yeah pronounced with a slight lift at the end turning it into a question, accompained by a quick glance at his drink) “Yes. I have nearly finished this one. I will buy the next round” (yeah said with a slight nod of the head)

We have known each other so long that our speech has evolved to the point that we can have conversations with each other using just one word. The smallest expressions and gestures that accompany those words let each other know just what that word means.

All best friends develop these nuances over time, and they always seem to be the opposite of what is considered normal. This begs me to ask the question - Is what we consider normal an outdated concept left from a time when the world was a very different place ?

With the world in such chaos, including wars, thievery and murder, would we all be better off if we stopped doing what is normal and started doing the opposite ?

It works for best friends all over the world.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Twitter Wars

Feeling Suicidal ? - Join the Navy. you might get to meet Gibbs.

@standoutloud If you so much as LOOK at Abbie, I will KILL YOU! She's MINE! ;)

@sixaxis66 Like you have any chance - I can offer her a stay in sunny Australia.

@standoutloud Oh yeah?!! in Jersey... you win. Damn you, Australia!!!!!

@sixaxis66 Come to sunny Australia for an extreme holiday. Cyclones, bushfires and lots of deadly animals.

@standoutloud Just read that out loud in my Aussie accent. Too funny!


@standoutloud I need to apologize for my text rant last night about Abby of C.S.I. My bad... She is still mine, however. Back Off!!!

@sixaxis66 You Sir are a total cad. I challenge you to a duel. Stinky fish slap at twenty paces.

@standoutloud I will see your fish slap and raise you a chum toss at five paces!

@sixaxis66 Ummmmm. Ok. Not sure what that is in USA but here it is a can of dog food.

@standoutloud @sixaxis66 lmao

@standoutloud Here, it is a bucket of ground fish. Don't make me use it!

@sixaxis66 groundfish smoundfish - thats how you will be talking after being hit in the head with a can of dog food. Abby is mine.

@standoutloud You are lucky that I am laughing so hard at your reply, that I am incapacitated. Dog food to the head,, priceless.

For those following along the argument with @sixaxis66 over Abby started with this

@giftsbonanza I had no idea you were Aussie..I apologize for assuming you were fragile. I know better now,

@sixaxis66 usually the aussie men throw us in front when the going gets tough lol

@giftsbonanza Only after we run out of cans of chum.

@standoutloud lol true

Abby loves me more!!! End of argument!

@sixaxis66 She wouldn't love anyone that smelled of chum - either kind.

Okay..In the name of peace, I relinquish my bond to Abby. I have too much respect for Standout. I will now focus on Rhea Perlman of Cheers.

Coming soon to a theatre near you - Twitter wars the musical.

I swear I am still laughing about the dog food to the head thing..

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Pencil Is Mightier Than The Sword

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Saw this on facebook and just had to share

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Die Yappie Scum

When I was growing up we always had a dog. My friends had dogs as well. The breed didn’t matter. They were our faithful companions. The extra fielder in the backyard cricket game, the skulking enemy when playing war games, always ready for rough-housing when no one else was. They shared the punishment when things got broken, kept us warm on cold nights and guarded our houses when we were not home.

They taught us about friendship, loyalty, responsibility and with their short lives, death.

A few years ago the role of the dog started to change. All of a sudden they became a fashion accessory. It all started with those famous people that have done nothing worthy of fame. They started carrying around large bags that seemed to contain a dog that looked like a cat with a personality disorder. All of a sudden girls with nothing but air between their ears had to have a little yapping dog in her handbag as a fashion statement too. It was the greatest thing since anorexia.

Eventually the media started making fun of this trend which led to the yapping handbag not being very chic any more. So what happened to all those little lap dogs ?

I bring this up because the other day I went to the pound with a friend that wanted a new dog. As we wandered among the cages it amazed me that small dogs far outnumbered their bigger bretheren. When I was a kid it used to be nearly all large dogs in the pound. Abandonded by dimwits that bought a small cute puppy, never thinking that it would grow up. There seemed to be a lot more dogs than I remembered as a child as well. All of this together made me really angry.

You need a license to drive a car. You have to jump through hoops to get a bank loan. In fact nearly everything in this world that involves some responsibility requires you to prove that you can handle it first. Anyone can buy a dog though.

I believe there should be some sort of test before you can get a dog, or any pet for that matter. If you want a dog for the wrong reason you should not be allowed to have one.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Hide Your Asses

One of the major differences between Australia and the rest of the world is the use of the word thong. Down Under it means a style of casual footwear known elsewhere as a flip flop. The sexy piece of underware known as a thong elsewhere is called a g-string here. This has lead to quite a bit of embaressment to travelers as you can quite imagine.

I bring this up so I can explain about a disturbing trend that I see happening again this year. The t-bar. For those of you not familiar with the term, this is a style of showing your underware above your pants. It is females wearing g-strings up high with their pants low, creating a T shape at the back above the belt line.

Sounds great doesn’t it. Unfortunately there are always some idiots that ruin it for all of us. I have seen a few lately that have got it completely, gut wrenchingly wrong.

Firstly, if you are overweight this look isn’t for you. Period. I was standing behind one such example the other night. At first I couldn’t work out why she had a piece of elastic wrapped tightly around her waist, making her look like a xmas ham. Then the realisation that the rest had been swallowed by the copious ass cheeks left me feeling queasy.

Secondly, if you are going to do the t-bar, do some maintenance back there. Wisps of bum hair peeking out is not doing you any favours. It is like looking at porn from the seventies. What are you thinking ? Would you be happy if your mans penis had sideburns ?

I can understand that you might be a bit pale in that area and have no problem with a little fake tan. Just don’t go overboard and make yourself look like you have been rolling around in a giant bag of doritos. The only reason to do this is is if you are trying to trick hungry drunkards into licking you.

Lastly this a young persons fashion. If you are too old don’t do it. If you have to ask if you are too old you are. Nobody wants to see your wrinkled cellulite flapping around.

The thing that really gets to me about all this though is the fact that their friends don’t tell them. Seriously girls, if your friends don’t tell you that you look like a complete fool, it is time to get some new friends. If you can’t tell your friend that she just isn’t working that look, you don’t deserve to be her friend.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Future Of Desktop Computers

There has been a lot of talk in recent times pondering the future of the humble desktop computer. Everything seems to be going mobile and as technology advances everything keeps getting smaller. Today there is much more technology in a cheap basic laptop than was used to send the first men to the moon.

One of the main disadvantages of mobile devices is the small screen. While perfectly fine for a lot of tasks they just don’t cut it for some.

The obvious one for me to mention is graphic art and design. There is no denying it, the larger the screen the easier it is in this business. Working on a large project on a laptop means constantly zooming in and out trying to get details right. Trust me, it is a real pain in the ass.

So now you have some idea why I was so excited when I came across this video. Yes it is only a prototype but seriously, I want to try this thing out. The thought of doing a large scale photo manipulation on something like this has me salivating. Then there are thoughts of working on the web. Multiple tabs be damned, you could just have all the sites you want to work on open on different parts of the screen. Seriously cool in a geeky sort of way.

It will be interesting to see where this concept goes. How will it work when it has been slimmed down and lost all that horrible woodgrain. (seriously guys, it looks like the cabinet is a refugee from the 70's)

However there is one aspect of this setup that will sell it to the general public. No I am not talking about games, although that multiplayer idea is certainly a winner. No it is something they have probably not even thought of.

Imagine watching porn on this bad boy. With that curved screen you could bend the actors into positions that would make a professional contortionists eyes water. Now that would be something to see.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Am Officially 33

Yes today is my birthday. Having an IQ equivalant to a goldfish I naively believed that I was going to have a good day. For once I got to start work late which meaning the chance to sleep in. Of course my phone woke me up at a stupidly early hour, spewing congratulations and well wishes from friends and family.

What is really annoying about this is the fact that I just don’t understand it. What are you congratulating me for ? The fact that I was born ? I hate to burst your bubble but I really had nothing to do with it. Go congratulate my parents for that achievement. If you want to congratulate me, make it for something that I have actually done.

Perhaps you are congratulating me on the fact that I have survived this long. Are you telling me that I am so stupid that you assumed that I would be dead by now. Admit it, you thought that I would have decapitated myself on a ceiling fan, licked an electrical outlet or just plain forgot to keep breathing by now didn’t you.

Eventually I gave up on any lingering thoughts of staying in bed, got up and booted up the computer. Unsuprisingly my facebook was plastered with seemingly insincere well wishes. Even a forum I frequent realised that it was my birthday this year and started a thread just for it. I suppose it was too much to ask of the internet gods to take the site down for a couple of days like they did last year.

Seriously, what is the point of this odd custom, the birthday ? I just don’t get it. The only purpose for the whole scenario, that I can tell, is to boost the economy by forcing people to spend money on cards and stupid novelty gifts.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Suicidal ? Join The Navy

There is a disturbing trend happening in the U.S.A. navy. Every week a person employed by this great institution is murdered. I know this because I watch Gibbs, DiNozzo, Ziva and the rest of the NCIS team solve the crime. Amazingly they do it in just half an hour. I don’t know how much these people get paid but it should be a lot.

What I find truly extraordinary is the almost total disinterest from the media. Even more so when you realise that there is a NCIS in Los Angeles. You may have seen them as well. It is the stereotypical line up. There is the hard white guy with a heart of gold, the black guy, small appearances from the good looking woman and the token geek. Bizarrely they are led by a female hobbit. Not too sure what that is about, comic relief perhaps.

Back to the point. Los Angeles. I can only assume from this that every state has a NCIS. That means every week, in every state, a naval employee is murdered. It is amazing that they have any left. I am not too sure what the average lifespan of a naval officer is, but when you add in wars over fictional weapons of mass destruction, it can’t be very long.

This leads me to the question, why would anyone join the navy ? After much thought I can only think of two. Firstly the navy would look like a fantastic option if you were suicidal but didn’t have the guts to go through with it. However, having a force of depressed chickens really wouldn’t make the population feel safe. Perhaps that is why the media tends to shy away from the subject, they don’t want to start a mass panic. Very noble of them.

The only other reason for somebody to join the navy is to rise through the ranks and get a job at NCIS so they can meet Abby. That is certainly understandable. I would love to meet her. (massive crush over here if you can’t tell)

Personally I think it would be a lot easier to become a tattoo artist, paint your fingernails black and hang out in goth bars. Just stay away from the ones where navy personel hang out. They could be very dangerous.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Weird Facts

The kangaroo got its name when the first Australian white settlers saw the strange creature. They asked the local Aboriginies what it was who answered kanguru, which means 'I don't understand'.

To "testify" comes from the Roman court where men swore on their testicles that their statement was true.

Cat urine glows under a black-light.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A ducks quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

Australia's first police force was a band of 12 of the most well behaved Convicts.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

I think you have wasted enough time. Get back to work.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Mathmatical Proof You Should Be Creative

Mathmatics is considered the purest of all sciences. It is at the core of everything. Today I am going to use maths to prove that you should follow your creative dreams. Wether you want to paint landscapes, design skateboards or knit hats for wombles, it really doesn’t matter.

Now most people, possibly you, never even try to turn their creative talents into a business. They think that no one will be interested enough to buy their wares. It remains forever a dream.

Even the most pessimistic person would have to agree there is always a slight chance, however slim, that someone will want to buy whatever it is. For arguments sake lets assume that Mr. Pessimistic said there is a one in a billion chance.

There is roughly 7 billion people on this planet. That means even at those high odds, 7 people will want to buy your stuff. However the truth is you are selling yourself short using those odds.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you are one in a million ? Yep, that means there are 7000 people on this planet just like you. 7000 guaranteed to love your stuff.

That is not the end of the story though. Look at your friends. They are not exactly like you, yet they understand you. They get you. How many friends have you got ? How many have you had in the past ? At school, co-workers, drinking pals at the pub, whatever. Most people could easily think of 30 people that they have really gotten along with.

Given the one in a million rule, that is 210,000 people worldwide. Add in the 7000 that are just like you and we have 217,000 people that would want to purchase your creative endeavours.

I can already hear the pessimists. How often do you expect all these people going to buy, once in a blue moon ? Good question.

Well a blue moon occurs when you get a fourth full moon in a season. This happens every 2 to 3 years. To keep those pesky pessimists happy lets round it down and go with 3 years. That gives us 70000 sales a year. If you make just 2 dollars per sale, that is $140,000 per year. Not bad huh.

Unfortunatley that is not the end of the story. Those are potential numbers, potential sales. The problem is all those people have to know you have your stuff for sale before they can buy it.

So the question is how on earth do you let them all know about your products ? To be honest, I can’t answer that as I am still trying to figure it out myself. I just wanted to prove that if you want to make money from your creativity, it is possible. Hopefully inspire you to pursue your dreams. Maths doesn’t lie.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Wet And Wild

Gently rub the outside getting it nice and wet.

Make sure you rub it all over.

Slip two fingers inside, three if it is really big.

Move those fingers around inside it.

Rub it up and down.

Now that is how you wash a cup.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Mona Lisa Mystery Explained

For centuries people have wondered just who the Mona Lisa was and why she has that sly smirk on her face. Well thanks to the wonders of modern technology we finally have the answer.

The picture above is what she would look like with a modern makeover. With that done you can quite clearly see that the Mona Lisa is a transsexual. Now you know the reason for that “I know something that you don’t” look. It has to do with the surprise package in her pantaloons.

Obviously when the original was painted, homosexuality was frowned upon by the Church, forcing Leonardo to subtly hide the truth. The secret has been hidden in plain view for all these years.

Personally I can’t wait for The DaVinci Code part 2 - Uncanny Tranny. That will really get the Catholics knickers in a knot.

This could also partially explain the homosexual love of all things Cher. Isn’t modern technology grand.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Summer Daze

Yeah it is summer down here at the arse end of the world. Days so hot that all the Pommie backpackers think they are dying and the nights are not much cooler. You can't sleep properly and walk around in a light headed, alcohol fueled daze. The wild grass is all dead, covering the land in a golden shimmer under cloudless blue skys. You can walk anywhere and check out the tanned hunnies wearing next to nothing. Music festivals everywhere. Damn I love this time of year.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

They Are Egging Me On.

I had to quickly run into the shops today to grab a couple of things. Walking in I was blinded by reflected light from garish Easter eggs. I may have suffered permanent eye damage. I realise that Easter is a movable holiday but 4 days after New Years is a bit ridiculous.

On second thoughts, perhaps the shops are reminding us of the true meaning of Christmas after the sillyness of the shopping season. I know the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the eggs was JESUS CHRIST !

Much more likely is a push for another pseudo religious holiday to make us spend more money. We could all nail chocolate bunnies to crosses. That would be fun.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Beauty From Melancholy

My first piece is up for 2011. It has a bit of a strange story behind it.

The christmas and new year period are a bit depressing for me for a few reasons. I guess some of it has to do with being single. Some of it relates to my family being so far away. Some of it was due to the fact that I had to work both my jobs through christmas with only two days off, meaning that I couldn't catch up with everyone like I wanted.

Therefore I was in a strange mood when I finally turned my attention to creating a new piece. At the time I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins aptly named Melancholy And The Infinite Sadness album. One line from the song Thirty Three got stuck in my head and started rattling around. "graceful swans of never topple to the earth"

My original thought was to use pictures of local black swans. My original rough layout sketch had two swans flying downwards, breaking apart as they went. The idea kept progressing into something else entirely. Somewhere along the line it changed from a moody piece to a cheerful piece.

I decided that white swans would be better and went scouring the stock photo sites. Easier said than done. If you look at the four I used you will notice three different species of swan. They are from three different parts of the globe by three different photographers all with different cameras. Getting them to work together, look right and get the lighting how I wanted it was a real pain in the butt.

The end result, in my opinion, was worth it. I get to kick off the new year with a positive, uplifting piece.

The other thing I would like to mention is that it was created entirely in gimp. Take that photoshop snobs. Gimp is a great piece of software, even if it does have an unfortunate name.
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