Saturday, February 26, 2011

How The Internet Started

I had this emailed to me and had to share. This is better than the DaVinci Code. Not sure who the original author is.

This is a true story. Would I tell a you lie?
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had often been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband:
"Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?" And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abrahams business. But he was discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dots idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

And that is how it all began.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Beer Me Up Scotty

Australians are renouned for a few things. Some of those include being tough as nails, a little bit crazy and drinking a lot. Most of it comes back to the weather. As I write this post it is 10 o'clock at night and 32 degrees. (90 fahrenheit)

I am drinking, have been for a while now. At this point I have just finished my 23rd Jack Daniels. You see being poor I don't have airconditioning. I am not drinking for pleasure or to drown sorrows. It is drinking so you can pass out and get some sleep before you have to get up and go to work.

I am not sure if you have ever tried to work after not sleeping, but it is not fun. You seem to be in a daze and the world slides past you. The longer you go without sleep the worse it is. Close to an out of body experience. Working with a hangover is not great but it is better than lack of sleep. When in that position you choose the lesser of two evils.

The problem with any drug is the more you have the more you need. At this point I hardly have a buzz. Passing out is a long way off yet. Heck I can even write coherent blog posts using large words like coherent.

According to world standards I am an alcoholic. All my friends are for that matter. By Australian standards we are all normal. It is just the way things are here. If you can't drink a bottle of scotch or carton of beer and still talk straight you are just not considered a true Aussie.

If you have ever wondered why we talk slowly and act bizarrely, the truth is we are generally spaced out to some degree.

Drinking stupid amounts is a tradition. It is also one that is slowly but surely disappearing as airconditioning becomes more prevalent in society. This leads me to wonder where we are heading as a nation. What will we become when we no longer consume vast amounts of booze and are no longer crazy ?

With the amount of American influence here, in music, tv, fast food and all the rest, are we doomed to become a USA clone ? No offence to my international readers but I sincerely hope not.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Moral Opposites For World Peace

General friendship follows and conforms to social and moral rules. True friendship flips those rules right around. It sounds strange I know, so allow me to explain.

If you are walking along, slip in a wet patch and land hard on your bum, a friend will immediately ask if you are all right and help you up. A true friend wont be able to ask because they are too busy laughing like a loon.

While visiting your house a friend will engage in polite conversation while you act as a good host, getting them drinks and making sure they are comfortable. A true friend will wander in, help themselves to whatever they want out of your fridge while complaining about their day at work. They may also fall asleep on your couch and start snoring loudly.

I bring this up because last night at the pub my best friend and myself were accussed of being neanderthals. My friend was talking to some old accquantainces. I walked up, looked at him and said - yeah. He replied - yeah, and I wandered off, returning a few minutes later with a beer for each of us.

Those two words were an entire conversation between us that went like this. “I am ready for another beer. It is my turn to buy. Would you like another one ?” (yeah pronounced with a slight lift at the end turning it into a question, accompained by a quick glance at his drink) “Yes. I have nearly finished this one. I will buy the next round” (yeah said with a slight nod of the head)

We have known each other so long that our speech has evolved to the point that we can have conversations with each other using just one word. The smallest expressions and gestures that accompany those words let each other know just what that word means.

All best friends develop these nuances over time, and they always seem to be the opposite of what is considered normal. This begs me to ask the question - Is what we consider normal an outdated concept left from a time when the world was a very different place ?

With the world in such chaos, including wars, thievery and murder, would we all be better off if we stopped doing what is normal and started doing the opposite ?

It works for best friends all over the world.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Twitter Wars

Feeling Suicidal ? - Join the Navy. you might get to meet Gibbs.

@standoutloud If you so much as LOOK at Abbie, I will KILL YOU! She's MINE! ;)

@sixaxis66 Like you have any chance - I can offer her a stay in sunny Australia.

@standoutloud Oh yeah?!! in Jersey... you win. Damn you, Australia!!!!!

@sixaxis66 Come to sunny Australia for an extreme holiday. Cyclones, bushfires and lots of deadly animals.

@standoutloud Just read that out loud in my Aussie accent. Too funny!


@standoutloud I need to apologize for my text rant last night about Abby of C.S.I. My bad... She is still mine, however. Back Off!!!

@sixaxis66 You Sir are a total cad. I challenge you to a duel. Stinky fish slap at twenty paces.

@standoutloud I will see your fish slap and raise you a chum toss at five paces!

@sixaxis66 Ummmmm. Ok. Not sure what that is in USA but here it is a can of dog food.

@standoutloud @sixaxis66 lmao

@standoutloud Here, it is a bucket of ground fish. Don't make me use it!

@sixaxis66 groundfish smoundfish - thats how you will be talking after being hit in the head with a can of dog food. Abby is mine.

@standoutloud You are lucky that I am laughing so hard at your reply, that I am incapacitated. Dog food to the head,, priceless.

For those following along the argument with @sixaxis66 over Abby started with this

@giftsbonanza I had no idea you were Aussie..I apologize for assuming you were fragile. I know better now,

@sixaxis66 usually the aussie men throw us in front when the going gets tough lol

@giftsbonanza Only after we run out of cans of chum.

@standoutloud lol true

Abby loves me more!!! End of argument!

@sixaxis66 She wouldn't love anyone that smelled of chum - either kind.

Okay..In the name of peace, I relinquish my bond to Abby. I have too much respect for Standout. I will now focus on Rhea Perlman of Cheers.

Coming soon to a theatre near you - Twitter wars the musical.

I swear I am still laughing about the dog food to the head thing..

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Pencil Is Mightier Than The Sword

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Saw this on facebook and just had to share

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Die Yappie Scum

When I was growing up we always had a dog. My friends had dogs as well. The breed didn’t matter. They were our faithful companions. The extra fielder in the backyard cricket game, the skulking enemy when playing war games, always ready for rough-housing when no one else was. They shared the punishment when things got broken, kept us warm on cold nights and guarded our houses when we were not home.

They taught us about friendship, loyalty, responsibility and with their short lives, death.

A few years ago the role of the dog started to change. All of a sudden they became a fashion accessory. It all started with those famous people that have done nothing worthy of fame. They started carrying around large bags that seemed to contain a dog that looked like a cat with a personality disorder. All of a sudden girls with nothing but air between their ears had to have a little yapping dog in her handbag as a fashion statement too. It was the greatest thing since anorexia.

Eventually the media started making fun of this trend which led to the yapping handbag not being very chic any more. So what happened to all those little lap dogs ?

I bring this up because the other day I went to the pound with a friend that wanted a new dog. As we wandered among the cages it amazed me that small dogs far outnumbered their bigger bretheren. When I was a kid it used to be nearly all large dogs in the pound. Abandonded by dimwits that bought a small cute puppy, never thinking that it would grow up. There seemed to be a lot more dogs than I remembered as a child as well. All of this together made me really angry.

You need a license to drive a car. You have to jump through hoops to get a bank loan. In fact nearly everything in this world that involves some responsibility requires you to prove that you can handle it first. Anyone can buy a dog though.

I believe there should be some sort of test before you can get a dog, or any pet for that matter. If you want a dog for the wrong reason you should not be allowed to have one.
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