Friday, April 29, 2011

Money For Nothing

I was in a band once. On a cold winters day Ben, Anthony, Hughie and myself formed Chocolate Sneeze. (named after an unfortunate incident involving a block of Cadbury Dairy Milk and a dose of the flu)

Our studio was Bens games room, because it had space we could use undisturbed and a record player. Hughie played a cricket bat, Anthony had an assortment of empty plant pots and chopsticks for drums, I ripped it up on lead tennis racket and Ben (being the oldest at 11 and it was his house) had the other tennis racket and lead vocals.

With our favourite records turned up to the point were the speakers distorted we thrashed it out in a cacophony of high pitched childish voices and plant pot banging. We were rock n roll gods. This was in the days when Mtv actually played music videos. We were going to be mega stars. We were going to get our money for nothing and our chicks for free.

Like most bands things didn’t work out. After 4 hours of music stardom we ended up splitting due to artistic differences. We argued over Def Leppard vs Motley Crue as an opener for at least 10 minutes. Also it was time to go home for dinner.

It may be a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll but it is a quick ride back down the hill on your bmx. I flew down at breakneck speed as the last of the suns glow faded from the sky. The cold air pierced my flesh and whipped my hair as my tyres fountained up rooster tails of cold water behind me. I had an idiotic grin on my face and something else I can never have again - The innocence of youth.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Psychotic Bunny

It is that time of the year when all the neighbourhood kids are climbing the walls late at night, unable to sleep because of a chocolate induced sugar buzz. Yes Easter is here. A time to get together to celebrate a guy that died over 2000 years ago by eating the sweet, foil wrapped droppings of a giant rabbit.

I have been spending some time trying to figure out just what all this Easter Bunny stuff is about. I now have a theory.

Firstly lets compare this rabbit to his nearest contemporary - Santa Claus. Santa is married and surrounds himself with little slaves called elves. He keeps himself busy most of the year making toys, checking lists, caring for reindeer and such. He is jolly and will always speak to everyone when he is in town.

The Easter Bunny by comparison could be best described as a quiet loner. The kind of person the neighbours claim never made any trouble until he tortured and killed 63 postmen.

I can only assume this rabbit spends most of his time raping kidnapped chickens in his basement to get all those eggs. He then hides these eggs everywhere to lure children away from their parents. He won’t take the children though. Oh no, he is much too cunning for that. He just likes too watch from the bushes.

I believe the master plan is to kill off the human race via cholesterol overdoses and diabetes. Then and only then will the rabbits truly own the Earth.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Weight Loss The Mad Aussie Way

In the last few years my six pack has slowly faded away and I now have the makings of a gut. For ages I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I eat a balanced diet of all the major junk food groups. Consume plenty of liquids, most of it on the rocks. I even exercise regulary, those snacks won’t get themselves out of the pantry you know.

Then today while in the shower I realised what is causing it. My shampoo. Reading the back of the label it promises a ‘natural beauty and full body’. When I shampoo my hair I rub the excess on my belly! A natural beauty and full body might be fine for Buddah but I don’t want to look like that.

All is not lost however. I found the solution in my kitchen. The dishwashing liquid states that it will 'blast away fat and grease fast’. Perfect, I just have to slather my stomach with this and my washboard stomach will be back.

Time to go get another scotch and a plate of nachos.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The End Is Nigh

I am sitting here writing this blog post with black paint under my fingernails and bright after images floating across my vision. It is all the Mayans fault. Thousands of years ago these mathematical geniuses calculated when the world would end. They made a mistake though. We have been sitting around thinking that it wouldn’t happen until next year then BAM. Earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tsunamis, wars and that is just the big stuff. We have only just started the fourth month of this year.

To make matters worse, on tv late the other night an evangelist told me that not only was the end nigh, but I had to make sure my house was in order. I am not actually sure why, maybe you need a clean house to get into Heaven or something. So I spent the weekend tidying, polishing and washing.

Of course cleaning isn’t the whole story. I had to make sure everything actually worked. That meant I had to buy light globes. This is something that I have been putting off for quite some time. There are so many blown in my house that you need to wear armor at night to move around for fear of broken bones. The new light globes scare me. However God had told me I must fix it so I went to the hardware store.

Sweat started pouring from my pores when confronted by a wall of globes the size of Charlie Sheens ego. There are so many types. Strange swirly shapes, circles, long loops, the list is endless. What happened to plain ordinary light globes ? Why protect the world when it is about to end ?

Not being able to decide on a style I concluded that a variety would be a good idea. Next problem, I had 40 to 75 watt globes before. There are 2 and 5 watt ones now. What the heck does that mean ? I needed 8 globes. I purchased 157.

Americans have gazillions of movies concerning the end of the world that you can use as handy how to guides. Looking through my dvd’s it seems Australia has 3. Mad Max, one, two and three. (note for my American readers, Mad Max 2 was called The Road Warrior there) Yes these movies are quite dated now but it is all I had to work with. So while I was at the hardware store I also purchased flat black paint to cover up the bright blue on my Mitsubishi Lancer. I tried to find some black leather pants and jacket as well. They didn't have any so I got a pallet of chamois and a drum of black dye and will make my own.

Figuring the lamp next to my couch would be the easiest globe to replace I bravely tackled that one first. No matter which new globe I tried part of it protruded above the shade, looking quite obscene. Now according to the packaging the globe I finally settled on emits a ‘Cool Sunshine’ glow. Flicking the switch revealed something more akin to a lightsaber. Blinded I staggered away into the comforting darkness. Not having donned my armor first I soon managed to stub all my toes and bark both shins before falling over the pallet of chamois and knocking myself temporarily unconscious.

So now you know why I am writing this with black paint under my fingernails as well as being partly blinded. Damn Mayans. My car does look pretty cool though.
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